Brittney’s post the other day has given me the push I needed to write today’s post. I’ve talked about my social anxiety before. I wish I could say that it’s all gone for me, but that would be a lie. There for a while I thought it had gotten better. Since I moved to the big city, I have gone to so many things where the only person I know is my fiance. I’ve had fun and gotten to know some of the people in his life. Most of them I truly enjoy. They are nice and have welcomed me into their group with open arms. Yet, here I am back at square one.
We get invited to things with people I have met before and when we make the plans I’m excited. I want to go. Then I spend the whole car ride to wherever we’re going and the majority of the time we’re there thinking about when we can leave. It’s not necessarily that I want to go home, I’m fine when we’re out running errands or doing things just the two of us.
Half the time people can’t tell or assume I’m doing ok. We went to an event a few weekends ago for one of Ben’s friends and at some point in the night the friend told him, “I’m honestly surprised she came. I didn’t think she would” to which Ben replied, “She’s doing a lot better.” The problem is that is takes so much out of me that I will be exhausted once we finally leave. My neck and back will be sore for days because I was tense the entire time we were there.
It’s not just anxiety of what people are thinking about me anymore. Those thoughts are there too, but with them a consuming desire to leave. I write this post through tears because I honestly feel horrible about it and wish I knew what to do to change it. My fiance is a social butterfly. He has yet to meet a stranger and can talk to anyone about anything. I don’t want to hold him back, but I feel like I am. I don’t want him to start getting frustrated with me because I don’t want to go out and do things or don’t want to stay out for very long.
I’m not going to ask for advice because I don’t know that you would say anything I haven’t already heard. I know that it’s something I just need to work through. I’m doing my best.